Rate: Fifty Softy Soft.
Once upon a time, a Greek, a
Korean and a Polish (alphabetical order…) went to the movies to see the most
anticipated film of the year (if you are a woman of course, since men are
waiting for MadMax:FuryRoad…). The
Polish said: “I’ll wait at the tickets’ queue.” The Korean said: “I’ll wait for
at the pop-corn’s queue.” The Greek said: “I’ll wait at the toilettes’ queue.”
Queues everywhere, but at the end our imaginary little semi-horny wannabe adventure
there was still a vague, unanswered question: Was it worth it to stand in all
these queues?
First and foremost, I’d like
to state that I didn’t read any of the books. In fact, I thought that there was
only one book, which was sooooo successful so Hollywood’s masterminds
decided to cash-out the literature goldmine. Of course, this movie is quite
similar with all ‘book2movie’ cases. People who have already read the book(s)
were far more disappointed from those lucky ones (myself included…) who were
simply yawning, snoring, texting, etc.
The story begins when a literature
“virgin” student AnastasiaSteele (aka
DakotaJohnson (daughter of DonJohnson&MelanieGriffith)) interviews mysterious, rich, Armani-made ChristianGrey (aka JamieDornan) replacing her slutty roommate/classmate who was sick
and could not even interview him over the phone. The “virgin” student is
surprisingly clever although her secretarial outfit is from the ‘70s, episode
753 from “Tales from the Crypt” and appropriate only for attending the funeral
of your neighbor’s pet. I’ve seen Sunday school teachers and nuns dressed more
provocative than her. Anyways.
“Virgin” student likes to bite
her lips and occasionally pencils, and that’s enough to get Mr.Grey’s attention. Mr.Grey, are you ok? I thought you were
a kinky, disturbed, multi-billionaire and when half of my kindergarten class were
biting their lips and pencils, the absence book had your name on it. I thought
your standards were high. I thought wrong.
To cut the long story short,
“virgin” student is no longer virgin and on top of that she is ready to sign a
very detailed contract (lucky number 16...fisting objections duly noted…) in order to be Mr.Grey’s submissive (or bitch…) mostly
for Fridays and Saturdays. But, she has an outrageous demand and she keeps
asking Mr.Grey when they will sleep
at the same bed/together like a ‘normal’ happy couple.
She is not so clever after
all, since Mr.Grey specifically told
her 264 times that she has to forget these crazy ideas and that he is a
gentleman with principals, a distinguished social status, a great philanthropist
who has a hobby “not to make love, but to fuck…hard.”
No fancy suits, whips,
luxurious cars, helicopters can destruct her from her delusional ultimate goal.
She wants to sleep together with him and live happily ever after. On the other
hand, he wants to play in his “playroom” and offer pleasure/satisfaction to
both of them. Result? The maintenance/elevator guy (part timer in NASA) is doing a great job and
elevator doors are working perfect, response and precision 0.21 millisec.
Pros: a (+) for Anastasia’s (or Dakota’s) natural boobies. Plastic is
fantastic, but nature always prevails. Mr.Grey’s
suits (made with the help of Mr.JohnathanBehr),
ties, cars and the collection of his “playroom” were quite ‘decent’, although I
didn’t notice a gag-ball (a must...) with my one eye opened since the other one could not
resist to Morpheus (zzzzz…). Corrections are welcome if I’m wrong.
Cons: There are 3 books which means 3 movies. 1 down 2 to go. The movie is rated
18+. Objection your Honor! A softy soft and when things started to get little
“spicy”, tear-drop, little MissAnastasia
took her reddish ass and walked out after finishing counting up to 6. Literature students are good at math too!!!
You can enjoy the 2 hours and
almost 2 minutes movie, but without alcohol since Mr.Grey forbids it. Maybe orange juice so your vitamin C orgasm will
be 99% guaranteed. A healthy lifestyle is necessary for having a healthy body
and a rotten soul. Right Mr.Grey?
Bonus: No Bonus. Like MTV once made clear to public: “Please do not try this at home.
All stunts are performed by professionals, etc etc”.
Moral Lesson / Precept: It’s all about Marketing.
See you next St.Valentine’s day.
We liked: It had its (+) & (-). Please check above
in case your brain is still functional and operational. I personally liked Jamie&Dakota. See you next year fellas...
Should I watch it? Better buy the books and start reading. There
is a chance that your ‘wet’ imagination will surprise you and reveal new
horizons to your life.
Memorabilia
Rope, tape, cable ties. You’re the complete serial killer. (guess again
MissAna…)
Like your XBox and stuff? (daaaaah…)
Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.
Alternative Title:
50 shades of gay.
DominantVsSubmissive - CatVsMouse: Part1
Me & my playroom. (that’s what she said…)
Useful links:
*The above article/post is dedicated to all BOBitches, Mr.DBT and Mrs.JK.
